CHAPTER 38: I WISH
"P'Noh!"
I flinch with all my might when I hear nong Pang, who is picking out some snacks, calling out my name. I actually can't recall how long it has been since we last saw one another. However, this is definitely not the right time to be running into each other like this.
"Yuri, I gotta go, okay? Bye." I quickly hang up the phone. My lips are trying to move in order to say something to nong Pang. She is standing there with a wide grin on her face. But before I can start our friendly chat, a third party's voice can be heard.
"Pang? The baking sodas are over there. Which kind do you prefer? I'm not sure which one to choose."
I'm uncertain whether I should feel happy or something else when I see that Phun is now standing in front of me.
We stare at each other for a moment. I notice that his eyes are wide since he's a little startled, but then he forces a smile for me. "Oh...Noh."
"Oh...hi. What are you guys doing here?" That was such a stupid question to ask. They're at a supermarket so it isn't like they're farming or anything. I curse at myself inside my head.
However, nong Pang isn't one to be obnoxious, I know that. She gives me a big smile before she hops over to stand next to me. "We're buying ingredients to bake some cookies. P'Noh, you should come over and try them! Please? Please?" Apparently, the spirit of Yuri has taken over her body and she begins pleading with me.
I don't know what to say. I keep glancing at the girl next to me, then switching to Phun and back at her again. I'm not sure how to answer her.
At last, Phun cuts our conversation short. "Pang, p'Noh is probably busy. Let's not bother him." He scolds his sister and he looks at me with a sigh. I know that Phun still misunderstands the situation. I also know that he doesn't want me at his house right now either. But if that's the case, then how will we ever solve our misunderstandings?
"I'm free. I'll help you with the tasting, okay?" I beat him to the punch and accept the invitation right away. Nong Pang is jumping for joy but I don't know how Phun might be doing because I'm not brave enough to look up and face him.
I pretty much stayed quiet for the entire taxi ride. Nong Pang's lively voice made small talks with Phun and me but only occasionally. Nevertheless, Phun and I didn't say a word to one another. Once we arrive at the tall gates, Phun goes inside the house with all the grocery bags in a hurry so he fails to notice what his younger sister is up to. She turns to look at me with a wink.
"You two are fighting, huh?" I suppose we've been so quiet that it was obvious to nong Pang.
I give her a dry smile. "N-No, we're not."
"Lies! You two should talk and I'll make something yummy for you guys." She tells me before she runs off to the kitchen and leaves me standing here feeling confused.
Soon after, Phun comes back. "Eh? Where's Pang?"
"She said she's going to make something yummy for us."
"I see. Wanna watch TV?" He asks as he leads me into the living room. Someone else might've been watching the huge television since it is already on and tuned to HBO. I glance at Phun's blank expression as he flips through the channel without so much as looking at me.
"Phun..." I sigh and then I begin to speak.
"What is it...?" It may sound like a normal response, but I know he's feeling much more deep down inside.
"I'm sorry...that you had to find out that way."
".............." Only the sounds from Cartoon Network is breaking the silence between the two of us. I am nearly holding my breath waiting to hear his answer because I feel like I've already said what I wanted to tell him. The rest is up to him now.
His sharp face now looks a bit gloomy. Phun's pair of light orange lips are pursed together as if he is pondering over something. "You...didn't know how to tell me, right...?" Phun asks me softly as if he is completely worn out.
I take a note of his demeanor and it's tearing me up inside. I wanted to do everything for this person so that he can be happy, yet I was the one responsible for his current state.
Phun's eyes are shut tightly. It's like he no longer wants to be made aware of anything else. "You...didn't intentionally keep this from me, right...?" The way he is saying this sounds more like a plea than a question. I move closer to his stiff body. He seems so fragile. I gently place my own hand over the back of his hand.
"Phun...I'm sorry. I honestly didn't know how to tell you...because I didn't want to see you like this..." I proceed to squeeze his hand a little tighter. I watch as the person in front of me uses his other hand to hold his head while exhaling weakly.
I can feel it from his trembling hand and his eyes that are still tightly shut. Despite the fact that I cannot see his eyes, I understand the fierce battle that is going on inside him.
"Does anyone else know other than you?" Phun whispers a question and I shake my head even though I know he isn't even looking.
"I found out from Golf. I never told anyone else about this."
"I don't want people to look at her badly." Despite anguish she has placed upon him, Phun still cares about that woman. I realize that this is the kind of a person Phun is. Once he starts caring about someone, he will always care about them.
He twists his face a bit before he continues forcing himself to speak. "And I don't want you to be sad having to see me like this either..." He tells me as he pulls his hand back from my grasp so that he can hold mine instead. He carries on in his deep voice. "...are you mad that I'm sad about what happened with Aim?"
I figured that he would think that. I knew that Phun will be afraid of how hurt I might be, having to learn about how much he actually cares about Aim. He's mistaken, because this is not the time for jealousy or getting upset over something trivial. If anything, I'd be disappointed in him if he were to not feel anything about what happened at all.
I like Phun because he is always genuine with everybody and because he is always concerned about the well-being of others. If Phun were to be a selfish person who only values his own happiness then I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.
I use my free hand to clasp over his which is already holding my other hand. "Listen to me, Phun..."
He turns his dapper face so he can look into my eyes, then I continue to speak.
"How long have you two been together? If you were to deal with something like this and end up not feeling anything then I'd feel awful. I'm glad that I met a good person like you. And I'm sorry again for not just telling you about this in the first place and I let you find everything out on your own like this..." The more I speak, the worse I feel. I'm hating myself so much that I don't even have the courage to look at Phun in the eyes. I can barely tell that Phun is shaking his head.
"I understand...thanks for worrying about me. How long ago did you find out about this?"
"Since the...soccer tournament."
"So quite a while ago..." He tells me with a chuckle but I know full well that he's in no laughing mood. I sneak a peek at his twisting face full of agony. Then Phun tells me something else.
"I just need some time, Noh. I'll let you know when I'm ready..." Seeing Phun's tears rolling down his face is killing me.
It's Monday and I'm at the school. I quickly left my school bag behind at my desk, said hello to Ohm and the rest of the guys like usual, then I sneaked out to make a phone call outside of the classroom.
I'm calling Golf because I have something important I must let him know. If you're asking why I haven't called him since Sunday, that is because Sunday is a day for Golf's family. I know, it seems really strange, doesn't it? But it's true. He seems like a horrible person but he's pretty attached to his family. If someone were to call and invite him somewhere on a Sunday, he'd curse them out. Plus, he rarely takes a call on a Sunday anyway. Everybody knows that we can only send him texts on a Sunday.
But this is important and it couldn't be done via text messages so I waited until Monday to tell him.
‘Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore, anymore
I wonder if it's even makes a difference to try
"What's up, dudeeee? Where are we drinking? Let's go." Golf's ringback tone nearly goes on to the new verse by the time he answers the call. I wanted to complain about how long it took him to answer but I thought that there's something else worth yelling at him about.
"Real funny. Everyone was there on Friday and where the hell were you?" I yell at him while thinking about how if he had been there then things wouldn't have turned out this bad.
He replies using his obnoxious tone of voice. "I was too busy banging-I mean hanging out with a chick. Why? Did I miss something awesome?"
"Yeah...totally awesome." I tell him with a loud exhale. Golf picks up on this.
"What happened?"
"Phun found out about Aim."
"Yooo! You told him?! You could've told me you were gonna tell him!" Naturally, golf is making a loud fuss from the other end of the line. I don't have the time to be annoyed by his ranting since I'm too concerned about what I have to deal with right now.
"I didn't tell him..."
"Then how'd he find out?"
"He saw the clip in my phone...by accident..."
".............." At this point, the two of us are silent. I can tell what is on his mind.
"That is the worst way possible. But I'm not saying this is your fault though, you probably didn't mean for this to happen." You're not? You sure? I glance at my phone while feeling a bit irritated before I let out a long sigh.
"Of course not. I was scared to death when he found out, but we already talked. He said he needs some time."
Golf lets out a heavy sigh just like I did. "Alright. Let me know when he's ready, I'll help in any way that I can."
"Thanks, man. And thanks on Phun's behalf too."
"It's fine, it's fine. We've seen each other around. And if he's your friend then he's pretty much my friend too." I am deeply touched by his reply. I break into a smile even though he cannot see me. I feel that I'm so lucky to be surrounded by so many good friends like this.
"Love you, man."
It's lunchtime and the cafeteria is really crowded. I actually don't have a lot of free time today since I have a bunch of errands I need to run. I get in touch with different departments because I need their help with running the Live Contest event that is happening in a few days.
I jog over to where the beverages are sold since I figured that I won't have time to eat in my current condition. I still have a ton of people I need to speak to. We're holding the event in the gymnasium this year so things are a bit hectic. The person taking care of the gymnasium is on the (really) mean side.
"Auntie, I'll...take a bottle of Splash." I'll just to pretend to be Nichkhun for the day. Y__Y I order my usual tragic menu while I glance around the cafeteria. The nice lady is ducking here and there, still trying to open the bottle for me.
I spot a tall figure walking around not too far from where I am, although his handsome face lacks any hint of a smile. I open my mouth to yell his name, but I thought better of it. (It'd hurt my throat.)
"Auntie, I'll take a box of Ovaltine too." I add something else to my order and be a burden to the poor lady who has to slowly walk back and open the refrigerator.
I propel myself to nong Mick (Ohm's boyfriend) once I got everything I had ordered. He's sitting with his friends and is having lunch nearby.
"Hey, Mick!"
"Y-yes...p'Noh?" Nong Mick is like a boy who is in a constant panic mode. I've noticed this several times now. Whenever someone calls out his name very loudly, he would flinch real hard. Sometimes we like messing him by doing that. (Film would then yell at us since Mick is his favorite kid.)
"May I borrow a pen and a Post-it?"
"Sure." He answers and searches his bag with the school supplies that he happens to have on him. (I guess he had just moved from another classroom.) I only need to wait for a short moment before he hands me a blue pen and a neon pink Post-it note.
Is this a good idea? -____-"
"Don't you have a different color, Mickkk?" I groan. If Film were around here, he would've yelled at me since nong Mick was nice to do this yet I'm being cranky about it. (Jeez, I can't touch him at all, can I?)
However, nong Mick quickly shakes his head. "I don't, p'Noh. I actually stole these from my big sister." Right, if he had bought these himself, it might've been too cute (in a weird way) of him. At any rate, the color doesn't matter. I accept the Post-it notes and rip out one. Then I scribble something on it in a hurry.
"Thanks a lot, Mick! I'll make sure you get more alone time with Ohm! Heh heh!" I don't wait to hear his excuses (they both always deny this) and I rush out before my target disappears.
Phun and a bunch of his classmates are walking around in front of the cafeteria not too far from where I am. I guess they had already finished eating and are about to head up to their classroom. Realizing that, I quicken my pace to walk past the student council secretary while shoving the box of Ovaltine in his hands. (A scene which is similar to an illegal drug deal.)
:) Where's your smile, dude? :)
That was what I wrote on the Post-it note and put it on the box of Ovaltine. Still, I didn't turn to see if Phun had smiled just as the note said because I was too embarrassed. I don't know if his friends saw me or not. I was too focused on marching back to the F Building and head to the clubroom.
'Beep beep.'
My phone tells me I received a text message so I take a look at it.
'Thanks.
I'm smiling now. =]'
Sender : Phun Stu. Counc.
His smile emoticon is making me break out into a wide grin no different than a mental patient.
I'm not hoping that Phun can get over all the awful things that have happened soon.
I only wish for Phun being able to smile...and be happy with the things he still has left. That is all.
'I'm here for you.'
