CHAPTER 16: AIN'T ONLY US
I'm allowing the other party to do as he desires, knowing that it isn't only his but my own desires too. I stop caring about all the reasons, and all the consequences.
Phun's kiss is a fearful but an emotional one, just like how he is embracing me. The two of us let our bodies do what our hearts are craving for. We're at a point where we can no longer keep these feelings inside. There's no stopping us.
I'm not sure how long the time has passed when I finally open my eyes to the darken room. I've come to my senses once again. Phun is holding me tightly as he sleeps. Phun, this friend that has caused so much turmoils inside my head over the past few days.
I can see his sleeping face thanks to the moonlight that is shining through. His long lashes are caressing his cheeks, his eyelids are hiding the eyes which were burning me up merely a few hours ago.
I can tell by the his stable breathing from his nose right above his natural colored lips, that the person holding me is in a deep slumber.
I stare at his face with mixed emotions. But the one feeling that is standing out to me the most is fear.
The pain which I can still feel is reminding me that we have made an unforgivable mistake. I was the one who told him to ignore all the reasons, to stop thinking about what the right things might be, and that we should forget who we're supposed to be. But after a few hours, I begin to realize that those things I mentioned simply can't be done.
The things that have been haunting Phun are now haunting me as if I had read a chain letter. I'm facing the reality of what Phun said to me, the reality of which I cannot escape. Phun and I are both guys. We each have a girlfriend of our own. And more importantly, we are good friends and I do not want to destroy the relationship that we have between us.
Personally, I don't know what kind of feelings I have for Phun. Phun himself doesn't know what kind of feelings he is giving to me either. I don't dare to think back to how all of this started. I'm scared that this only happened out of lust.
But there's something else that I'm even more afraid of.
I'm scared that it might be more than just lust. More than a simple attachment we have for one another. More than just a mistake that we accidentally made. I'm scared that this means more than all those things.
Because if my heart takes that step over the edge, I don't know how I'll be able to deal with that. I honestly don't...
"Oh...Noh? You're not asleep?" Fortunately, Phun's voice interrupts my train of thoughts. He's yawning so wide that I need to move away a bit since I start to feel really hot.
But Phun only gives me a tiny bit of space between his arms. It seems he wants to keep holding me like this. "Dude, it's hot."
"What? Then I'll turn the A/C up." What a smartass. He reaches over to grab the remote control and adjusts the temperature so that he doesn't need to let go of me. Doesn't he even think about global warming? I shoot him an annoyed look, but the room is probably too dark for him to see. Phun tenses his arms and stretches a bit before he pulls me back inside his embrace.
"Wanna drop by your house to get the stuff you need for school tomorrow morning?" He mutters a question to me like someone who is too lazy to open their mouth to speak.
"Sure..."
There's a change in my voice which he picks up on. "Is something the matter?" He asks me, now fully awake.
"Um..."
"What's up?"
"Do you think what we did is wrong?" I'm not sure whether this is a question or just a statement that I'm trying to tell myself. I can see a photo in a frame by the bed in the dimly lit room. It's a photo of Phun and Aim together.
Phun turns around and flips the frame over before he returns to hold me. "Let's not think about that tonight. We can talk about it tomorrow...okay?"
"But..."
"No more talking." He shuts me up using his own lips before moving away. "There is only us tonight."
I close my eyes and accept those lips as I embrace Phun's body, which is on top of me and is pressing up against my own. It is a signal telling me that we're about to do what we did earlier once more.
I tell myself to leave everything behind tonight. And no matter what happens tomorrow morning, no matter who Phun and I will go back to.
We will never ever forget tonight.
The junior high school kids are playing basketball and soccer so loudly that I almost want to poke my head out the window and yell at them. (I didn't because I was too lazy.) Normally, I wouldn't be this irritated, but my body isn't feeling well and there are noisy distractions to boot.
I lay down on the sofa in our club room while twisting a Rubik's Cube. This is that jerk Ohm's fault. He passed this cube thing for me to play with this afternoon. School has ended for the day and I had only finished one side of it. It's so tiring, I wonder how Keng is so good at this. I don't get it.
I keep thinking about this while feeling annoyed. My hips are hurting. I don't know how to solve the Rubik's Cube. Is there anyone else out there whose life is as fucked up as mine at this point?!
"Jeez, you look real stressed out. Are you planning to play with that thing all day, p'?" I don't need to look up to know that the smartass comment comes from Per. However, I'm in no mood to argue with him, (I'm busy here) so I mumble a reply letting him know not to bother me.
I was wrong to think this kid would just leave me in peace. He grabs an electric guitar and plays with it right in front of me without a care in the world. "It's so boring. Our club's drums are in horrible conditions so no one wants to play them. Now I don't get to practice."
"So what?" Can't he see I'm fucking busy here?
"When will the new set of drums get here, p'?" He's so damn persistent! I stop playing with the Rubik's Cube and turn to look at his face. "Still waiting for the money, got it now?"
"Jeez, but you and p'Phun have gotten really close these days though." I never thought I'd hear those words from this dude.
"Hold up, how'd you know about this?"
"Everyone already knows! You two are pretty close. Even you guys' girlfriends are friends." Oh, I see. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown.
"So what?"
"Tell p'Phun to give the money to us soon then?"
"What?! It's not that simple! Do you expect me to go to the student council office and rob them at gunpoint?!" I would've done that if I could.
Per looks a bit upset after I told him off. I understand that he really wants to practice, but I honestly don't know how to make this process goes any faster. I don't think badgering Phun about it often would do any good. I continue to think while I go back to solving the puzzle in my hands.
'Who can be nice at every hour? I'm a person, not a character in a drama on TV.'
"There! P'Phun's calling now!" What?! How does he know? I flinch so hard and quickly grab my phone to check. I almost throw the Rubik's Cube and the phone at Per's head.
"Phun my ass. Hey, Yuri." I cursed at Per before I switch to sounding sleepy when I answer the call. I doubt that I'll ever solve this Rubik's Cube so I let it fall to the floor.
"Are you still at school, Noh?"
"I'm in my club room. What's up, Yuri?" Yuri usually doesn't call me around this time of day. If she wants to invite me to go somewhere, she would normally call me before school's over so that I can free up my schedules. If we don't hang out, then she'd only call when it's late, before we go to sleep.
"I'm...standing in front of your school. I need to talk to you about something. Can you come see me for a second?" I almost jump up from the sofa and forget about how much pain I'm still in when I hear those words. There's a girl standing all alone in front of an all-boy school! How am I not supposed to be worried about her?!
"Hold on, I'm running over there. Don't go anywhere, Yuri." I hastily tell her before hanging up and rush over to put on my shoes near the club room's entrance.
"Your girlfriend called?" Per follows me looking confused. I give him a nod before I pat him on the shoulder. "Take care of the club, I'll be back in a bit."
I'm half walking and half running with my shoes still not on correctly, and I'm dragging my sore hip along all the way to the school's gate. Yuri is standing there waiting for me just as instructed. But with her light skin and a cute face, she can't help but being gawked at by the male students around here.
I'm not jealous, it's more like I'm worried about her safety. -_-" An adorable girl like Yuri getting lost from the herd and ended up in the middle of a bunch of young guys? It can't be good.
"Why didn't you call me ahead of time and tell me you'd be dropping by? You shouldn't do something like this." I scold her lightly when I finally arrive. I offer to take her school bag and then we leave the school premises.
"I'm sorry. I was in a hurry and I was on the phone the entire time on my way to your school." That sounds a bit strange, doesn't it?
"Is there something going on?"
"Noh...do you know what's going on with Phun?" I wish I could disappear right this second.
Yuri's round black eyes stare at me as if she's searching for the truth about something. I actually don't know what it is she's searching for or why she's being so ambiguous.
"What about him?"
"Sigh..." What? Why do I get a sigh instead of an answer from her? -_-" I'm very confused by the cryptic ways this girl is acting. It seems she wants to say something, but is unable to find the words.
"Did something happen?"
"Um, Noh...do you know where Phun was last night?" I'm a bit hesitant to answer since I know very well what happened last night.
"W--why...?"
"Ugh, I tried telling Aim that she shouldn't make me come to you about this. I know that you and Phun are friends, you'd help him cover this up. You wouldn't tell me the truth." At this point, I'm so baffled that I'm not sure what to say to her.
Yuri stops making a fuss to herself before she looks up to me. She locks her eyes with mine which I am unable to avoid.
"Please, Noh. Aim is really stressed out about this."
Yuri's lips move ever so slowly that I heard and understood every single word in the following sentence.
"Can you tell me who slept with Phun last night?"
It felt as if I had been struck by lightning when I heard those words.
