CHAPTER 15: WITHOUT TURNING BACK
My head is strangely empty by the time I arrive at my house. During the day, I had so many things to think about. But now? Everything that was bothering has decided to merge into a white round ball which is now floating away inside my head in the blink of an eye.
I'm probably stressing out at my limits now. If I let this continues, I'd definitely end up insane. I roll back and forth on my bed before I crawl over to grab a new game to play so I could relieve some of my stress. It's too bad that I'm not in the mood to play it at all.
"Fucking Phun." I curse at him despite the fact that he isn't even in front of me. I get some satisfactions from that though. Cursing him out is actually helping.
"Fucking Phun! Asshole! Weirdo! Pervert! You're a player! You're a stupid manwhore! You-you-you!" How else can I describe this jerk?! I think to myself while being completely annoyed. I kick a body pillow that is laying on the floor. It flies up to the other side of the room.
"Goddamn it..." I really don't know what else I could call him. I pace back and forth, muttering to myself as if I've been backed into a corner with nowhere else to go. But then, I finally come up with an idea.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
"Noh! Where are you going?! Careful going down those steps!"
"I'm gonna go to my friend's house, I'll be back soon!" I yell back a reply to Ma before I get on my bike and leave.
So here I am at this huge mansion once again. I park my bike in front of the Phumipat Mansion and look up to the second story. I can see that the lights in Phun's room are on, that means he has already made it home.
At any rate, what is it that I came here to do? What am I going to say to him? How will we clear up this situation anyway? I honestly don't know. I only know that we really need to have a conversation about something.
The street in front of the Phumipat Mansion has turned into my personal workout area since I keep pacing back and forth so much that I am getting dizzy. I'm still not sure whether I should go inside. But then a huge car drives up to the gate and I hear someone calling my name from the backseat with the window rolled down. "P'Noh?"
Nong Pang?!
"Are you here to see p'Phun?" Talk about embarrassing. I suddenly feel like one of that gay guys who are overly attached to their boyfriend.
But she seems to be enjoying this. -_-"
"Why don't you head inside?" See that? I give her a wry smile. Phun's sister proceeds to click on the remote to open the large gate. She also lets me bring my bike inside to park next to the beautiful European car in the garage.
"Do you usually get home this late?" I start a small talk to be polite as she steps out of the car. I can see that she's still wearing her school uniform. Well, so am I. But I'm wearing a pair of flip flops instead of the regular pair of shoes.
"I had a tutoring session. P'Phun is home, isn't he? Why don't you go upstairs and see him?" She tells me after she had already looked up to see the lights from Phun's room.
"P'Noh, are you and p'Phun fighting?" Oh! She hits the jackpot with that question! How are your senses this good?! I forget to take another step forward when I heard the cheerful voice asking that question.
How am I supposed to answer her? "Uh...not really. Actually, I don't really know, heh." Does that even sound remotely like an answer? -_-"
"What makes you think that, nong Pang?"
"Well, ever since he got home from your place on Saturday, he seems really depressed and hasn't been eating much. P'Noh, please don't be mad at him. Sometimes he can be so stupid and get upset easily, but he really does love you." (Listen to her talking trash about her brother.) Who is mad at whom here? And wait, Phun loves me?!
I must have curiosity written all over my face since Pang continues talking without me having asked any questions.
"P'Phun laughs a lot louder ever since you came into his life. Sure, I see a bunch of girls shrieking and screaming for him, but he has never brought anyone home to meet me before. P'Phun really does love you, p'Noh. I can tell."
I give her a despondent smile as a reply, I know too well that those words are all lies.
Phun could never love someone like me, Pang.
Pang and I went our separate ways and I am now standing in front of a large wooden door. I wonder whether I should knock like a proper person would or kick the damn door down and start cursing at the owner of this room. (I prefer the latter.) I thought of a lot of other ways, but there's only one way to do this.
I decide to knock on his door, but don't think that he'll be able to see me through the peephole. I am already hiding in its blind spot. It's not that I'm trying to surprise him. I'm afraid that he won't open the door if he sees me standing here.
I slide my way in the second the door is slightly ajar.
"Noh?!" Good. Surprise attack.
"You didn't need to pretend like you're a ninja. What's up?"
I suddenly get super annoyed when I hear those words from Phun. Who was it that has been avoiding me and forced me to pretend to be a ninja? I furrow my brows and I look at him. He's still wearing our school uniform. I guess he just got home as well.
"Did you have dinner yet?" He asks me as he walks over to the mini fridge. He passes me a can of coke. "Oh, but you ate with Yuri already. I forgot."
"And you already ate with Aim. Do you have any beer? I don't want this." He gives me a puzzled look but then he tosses what I asked for over to me.
I catch the can and I lazily lean down halfway on the sofa. Phun walks over and sits next to me with a can of beer in his hand as well.
We sit in silence as we watch whatever is airing on Cartoon Network that Phun had left playing. Neither of us are saying a word. I can tell that Phun isn't really paying attention to the TV and is lost in this thoughts. Just like him, I'm not focusing on Tom & Jerry at all.
"Hm..." I let out a long sigh as I lean back on the sofa while I lift my neck up.
"What's the matter?" Phun finally says something.
"What the hell are you watching? This is so retarded."
"What the...? Take the remote control and change to whatever you wanna watch then." He puts the remote on my lap. In reality, I didn't come here to watch TV with him. But I don't think I can bring myself to start the conversation in this moment.
I flip through the channels and leave it on channel 55 for a bit.
"Oh, so you called me out earlier and now you're watching Winnie the Pooh?
"Whatever, I wanna be Tigger."
"The tiger?"
"Ya, isn't he cool?"
"But Tigger is a retarded tiger." Phun's protest causes me to furrow my brows.
"Whatever, jeez..." This concludes our conversation as to what is retarded and what isn't. I watch Tigger jumps into a pond so he can play a game with Pooh. I can't help but be reminded of what happened this afternoon.
"You got me all wet today." My complaints seem to make Phun break out into a smile. He laughs for a bit before he looks at my face. "Who asked you to sleep in that spot, Noh?"
"No one did but...because of you..." I answer him but my eyes are still directed towards the TV, although I'm not paying attention to it at all. With the help of alcohol in my system, I find it easier for me to start talking. "It was your fault..."
I repeat for him to hear.
"What did I do...?"
"You gave me the cold shoulder all day. I was so pissed so I ditched my classes to take a nap behind that building. And can you stop speaking formally to me already?! What the hell is up with you?" To me, it feels like he is trying to hide something by being polite. It infuriated me so much that I shouted and turned the TV off.
"......."
We stay quiet for a long while. There are only the sounds of beer being gulped down nonstop. I begin to wonder if I should just get myself drunk and pass out at this point.
"I...-Do you realize how much I loved Aim?" Phun suddenly asks me out of the blue. It feels as if a thousand knives are embedded in the center of my heart.
"How should I know? That's your business."
"No matter what Aim has done, I've always forgiven her. Be it when she gave me attitude, wanted things done her way or when she forced me to do something I didn't want to do. I had always thought that I'd give in to her demands with just about everything."
"........"
"But then last Wednesday came along, the day you came to me and asked for help...and until tonight..."
"......."
"...things have been weird for me."
I've had it with Phun trying to beat around the bush. "What the hell are you trying to say? What do you mean by weird? Sorry, I'm failing English." I stare at his face as he takes in a deep breath. Then he proceeds to say the following sentences without looking at me even once.
"Noh...can you just fucking let me be on my own like this for a while? I can't stand myself for wanting to see you. I was being so fucking shameless when I tried to kiss you. I mean, I don't even know how these feelings came about or when they started happening to me. By the time I realized it, the only person I want by my side is you. Every time that you came to help me and took care of me, I kept thinking to myself that I wish I was the fucking person who was taking care of you instead. I'm a fucking asshole because I can't even be honest with you. And even when we were alone together, I had to keep forcing myself not to touch you. Do you realize that it only gets more and more difficult as time goes by? Can we just stay away from each other for a while? I can barely keep myself under control right now."
Phun finishes telling me all this. It feels as if he has been keeping this buried inside him for so long. There isn't anything else I can do but sit still. Every single word entered my left ear but they did not leave my right ear. I have to admit that this is beyond what I expected to happen.
I can tell by the way Phun is keeping his eyes tightly shut that he is intensely contemplating everything that is going on. He places his sweaty palms on his forehead.
My head is now empty. It feels like someone has lifted a mountain from my chest. It's really hard to explain what I am feeling right now. But there are things I'm still not sure about.
"Why are you...forcing yourself not to touch me?"
Phun shakes his head, his eyes are still tightly shut.
"Because the friendship that you are giving to me is too damn valuable for me to betray you. Because you're a guy, and so am I. Because you have Yuri, just like how I have Aim. Because what I think about might make you hate me so much that you probably don't want to be friends with me ever again. Do you fucking understand that there are these reasons telling me that I can't be doing this? That I'm doing everything wrong. And I...I...I really don't know what to do anymore." This is the first time I have ever seen a capable guy like Phun with his back against the wall. His voice is trembling as he continues to speak.
"I...don't want make things worse than they already are." Those words devastated me. Phun's face is full of despair. It's letting me know how weak and fragile he is. It emphasizes the fact that the guy I see in front of me isn't Phun Phumipat that everyone supposedly knows. He's not this great student council secretary from our school.
This guy right here is Phun. Just Phun. A boy who is trying to process all these feelings. And it seems like he won't make it through this.
I can't help but glance at the left side of Phun's distorted but alluring face. I don't know what inspired me to grab a hold of that hand, hoping to pass along some of my strengths to him.
"If we ignore all those reasons, if we stop thinking about who we're supposed to be, or what is considered to be the right thing to do..." I try to search for the truth from those eyes filled with questions and confusions.
"...what is it that you want to do?"
Phun takes a moment to stare back into my eyes before he reaches over and pulls me in. His face and its sharp features are moving closer to mine. I begin to feel the things I felt the other day once again.
His light orange lips press up against mine before he whispers something back to me.
"...I want you, Noh."
If we choose to let this moment continue without having to worry about the consequences which we may face in the future, would that be possible?
