CHAPTER 55: AM I..?
The Diesel watch around my wrist tells me that it's nearly 6 pm by the time we arrive at the gate which has a sign with Phumipat Mansion written on it. Now that I think about it, I haven't been here in quite a while. I think back to around the end of last year when I came all the way here almost everyday. Thinking back to those times is giving me goosebumps. I look at all the orange jasmine flowers that are blossoming around the mansion's gate. They smell wonderful. On the other hand, Phun is still fussing with the keys as he's trying to unlock the small door. He has a bunch of plastic bags in his hands. They contain all the things we bought from the supermarket. (I'm already carrying half the things we bought. I wonder if he bought all these for nong Pang or for himself. There's a ton of stuff here.)
"P'Phun!" Speaking of which, there she is. (Being psychic must run in the family.) I'm caught off guard and needed to take a full step back when I hear a cheery voice shouting for her older brother coming from a bush. Nong Pang pops up and then she sees that Phun didn't come home alone.
"P'Noh!"
This message is for residents of Thong-Lor. If you happen to feel an earthquake, please do not panic. -_- It's just nong Pang yelling at the top of her lungs as though she has found a hidden treasure. (I mean, I am a treasure. Hehe. Huh? What trash? I said trea-sure, not trash!) Not only she's being loud, she propels herself to hang on to me like she's a koala to boot!
"So I hear that you haven't been studying for your exams?" I decide to scold the cute koala now that I get the chance to see her. Phun's little sister puffs up her cheeks and glares at her brother. "You told on me?!" He's the one being scolded now instead. Hahaha.
"I didn't tell on you, I was just letting him know...that you're being a butthead. So will you study for your exams tonight now?"
"But American Dad is playing on TrueVisions tonight and I really wanna watch it." Ah, so this is why Phun spent hours searching for the perfect dessert at Villa today.
Realizing this, I have a huge grin on my face knowing that we're holding all the cards. I glance at Phun and he pulls out the secret weapon. "Does that mean you don't want this then?" Ta-da! It's a chocolate mousse cake! It's a soft and creamy cake from Mousses & Meringues. Phun confirms that whenever nong Pang walks by this bakery, she can't help but stop by and purchase at least 2 pieces of cakes home every single time. All she has to do is stay home and read (textbooks), then she gets to enjoy the delicious cake without having to leave home!
In exchange, she can skip watching a TV show (TrueVisions reruns them at least 3-4 times per week anyway) and study for her exams. It's that simple. (But if I were her, I'd steal the cakes and eat them while watching TV. That's also simple.)
"P'Phun, p'Noh. Are you really doing this to me...?" Hey, hey. Don't lump me with him! Your brother is the one responsible for this despicable plan. He also paid for them himself too. I have nothing to do with this at all. (Because I don't even have enough money to buy Clorets to chew after having dinner myself.)
I crack a smile and endearingly mess with the braids of the small girl standing in front of me. "Go study. We can play some games together after."
"Really?! So if I finish reading 6 chapters then you'll play games with me?!"
"Yes, but I'm only staying until 8 so you better get started on them." I give her a curfew and Phun's little sister beams happily before she runs to pick up her PSP that she was playing earlier and heads inside the house. (Heh, she's kinda like me.) Phun shouts a reminder after her.
"And do the practice exam at the end of each chapter too, Pang! I'll correct them for you!"
"Yes!~"
She's in such a hurry that she trips at the door of her own house. I chuckle at Phun's little sister's weirdness. Then, the mansion's eldest son murmurs something. "Why did I bother buying a cake when you make a better lure?"
Well, of course. I'm incredibly alluring. Hahaha.
Now that nong Pang has agreed to retreat and left to study, the two of us stay behind and chat with Uncle Nhun, who is watering the garden, for a little while. Chatting alone isn't enough for an energized teen like me though. Since we're already here with Uncle Nhun, I offer to help him water the garden. Heh heh. And what happens next doesn't surprise me. The hose is as obnoxious as the son of his mansion. I'm just telling it like it is here. I hit the thing to spray water expecting it to work like how it should. But no, this damn hose sprays the water at me instead! (Fucking...hose thing. I don't know what awful name I should call it.) Phun tells me that I suck at Physics. (That has to do with this?) Don't think that someone like Noh will surrender. The more I get called out for being dumb at Physics, (so that has to do with this after all?) the more I feel...dumb. -_- (Then why bring this up in the first place?) What an unruly hose! I can't control this piece of junk. Next thing I know, it attacks the handsome jerk (who nags a lot). He's been giving me a lecture on water pressure and friction or something next to me this entire time. Hahaha, now your shorts is all wet!
I think I've had enough though. -_- I'm soaking wet now. I mean, if the hose is willing to betray its owner, there's nothing stopping it from attacking a visitor like me. -_- Plus, the last thing I want is to get a jock itch. I decide to wave a white flag and return the hose to the uncle, also known as The Slayer (of Hoses). Phun and I leave while arguing on whether whose fault this was. (I think this was his fault. If he's so good at Physics then why didn't he calculate that the area he was standing was a bad spot?)
We argue back and forth for a while until we arrive at the main hall inside the mansion. You can see through to the living room from here. Phun immediately stops. Water drips from our shorts and socks.
"Dad..."
"What are you on about now? All I'm saying is that no one told you to stand right there. I already mentioned that I didn't know how to handle that hose so why did you insist on—wait, what?!" I flinch in the middle of my rant when I finally realize what's happening around me.
"Phun, you're home?" The man's voice validates my stupidity. I quickly raise my hands up to greet him. Ah...this is bad.
"H—hello."
"Hello, Noh. You haven't dropped by in ages." His father accepts my greeting with a kind smile. I've met Phun's father a couple of times before since I visit his house so often. It's just that I've never run into him this early in the day before. His parents usually don't get home until very late and they don't keep an exact schedule either.
"And what were two up to? You both are soaking wet." Phun's mother asks after she had accepted my greeting. I give her an embarrassed smile. I know that we look like we were riding on a motorcycle during Songkran festival. We're actually not drenched in water or anything. It's more like...damped enough that my balls are cold. (This explanation doesn't sound too rated R, does it?)
"Noh was watering the garden but he got it all over me, Mom. Look at this." What a tattletale! Seriously?! Why are you such a baby?!
So how can I just say nothing and allow him to attack me without fighting back? "That's not true, Mom. Phun was the one getting in the way when I was trying to water the plants."
I have no idea why any of this is funny to them. Both parents are snickering to themselves, then the middle-aged woman waves us off. "I think you should go change into dry clothes now. Noh, you can hang your uniform on the balcony in Phun's room. Wait until they're all dried first before you head home. Unless you'd like to spend the night here, dear?"
"Oh...I don't think I will. I'll get going once my clothes are dry."
"Noh and I will head upstairs then, if you'll excuse us." Phun quickly cuts the conversation short and shoves my back so that I'd walk up the stairs. His father speaks up before we can move our feet.
"Come back downstairs once you change your clothes, Phun. I'd like to discuss something with you.
"Yes..."
Why does his father sound so serious, I wonder.
We close the carved wooden door behind us and throw our school bags down on carpet floor once we enter the bedroom. The owner of said room is visibly concerned over something.
I take a peek at Phun as he takes his time getting undressed as though he is trying to stall for more time. I don't have the guts to ask him why he's acting this way. I wonder why he seems quite anxious after learning that his father wants to speak to him.
"Noh. Wait up here, okay? I'll go talk to him and I'll be back soon. Feel free to use the computer or help yourself to the game consoles." Game consoles, definitely. I give him a nod and a smile, hoping that I can put him at ease a little. Yet, I'm the one not at ease. How can I be when Phun's smile seems strange? Something is off.
"I'll...be waiting for you here, okay?" I repeat myself. I want him to know that no matter what might be troubling him, I will always be here waiting to comfort him.
Phun smiles widely before he pulls me in for a loose embrace. "Yeah..." He kisses me softly with those orange lips. "I love you...I'll be right back."
Even so, I can't deny that watching his back disappearing from sight is making me feel uneasy.
Is it possible that I'm worrying over nothing here?
BOOOOOOM!
Tsk, what a bunch of noobs! I lean back on the computer chair after our team had successfully destroyed the enemy's Ancient for the third time in a row. The enemy team consists of players from another all-boy school near Silom. We're good buddies, you see. They love to beat the crap out of students from my school whenever they happen to run into each other at Siam. (Seriously, they got some issues!) Due to this, we decide to kick their ass online in retaliation instead. Hahaha. We're not chickens, we prefer peace and love.
BEATdaRULEZ: another game?
Where the hell does that damn Keng find his energy? I don't wanna play anymore! I'd rather do something else now, jeez! Just as I am about to curse at him, Dong beats me to the punch.
ollo: my eyes hurtssssss, I'm outta here
nowayout: ok, talk to u on msn
I quickly cut the conversation short and exit the game. At the same moment, an MSN window pops up with a message from Keng.
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
they talked a big game but they were fucking noobs
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
get rekt, I owned them
Apparently he's still into the game we played earlier. Hahaha. I chuckle as I type a response in the rectangular box.
Noh says:
The game's over but you're still not over it rofl
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
yeah
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
wait, lemme drag dong into this convo
Less than a minute later, Dong is invited into the conversation.
++[ •Thailand Diseases National Association• ]++ says:
Wtf? Why did you drag me in here?
++[ •Thailand Diseases National Association• ]++ says:
I was about to go take a shower man
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
wait, don't go yet
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
why do you care about being clean now? you never did
++[ •Thailand Diseases National Association• ]++ says:
Fuck you. I'm always clean, every single day
Noh says:
lol
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
shit, noh. don't just sit there and loling
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
where u at?
Uh...how does he know? He truly is capable just like his name.
I'm stunned for a moment, then I decide to reply with a question rather just owning up to it.
Noh says:
Why?
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
I can sense it
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
you at phun's place?
Damn, you were trained well, weren't you? You should go work at the airport and sniff for drugs after you graduate from school. It's a brighter future for you compared to going to college.
Noh says:
Yeah
++[ •Thailand Diseases National Association• ]++ says:
Eh? I thought you went home today
It's bad enough that Keng caught me, now Dong is adding insult to injury. Well...I was planning to do that but... I turn to look at the carved wooden door for the hundredth time. Phun still isn't back yet.
Noh says:
I guess I'll be home a little late???
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
wooooooooooo!
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
just can't stay away from the boyfriend, little buddy?
Noh says:
Fuck u
You're as awful as Ohm when it comes to spouting shit. I chuckle and shake my head at the long 'looooooooooool' from Thailand Diseases National Association and he goes offline in order to go take a shower. (It's a shower, why the hell do you need to be offline for that?) Now it's just Keng and me.
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
oh yeah, noh
Noh says:
What?
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
there's something I've been wanting to ask you for a while now
Noh says:
What is it?
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
about you and phun
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
what's really going on between you two?
Eh...? I go completely still after reading Keng's last message. I blink rapidly as I re-read his question for the second time.
Technically, I've never been clear or told anyone regarding the nature of my relationship with Phun. I let the guys tease me to their heart's content. Sometimes I throw back insults, but only because I wasn't used to idea of being with Phun yet. But lately, I've been letting them get away with their comments. I've never really confessed or told them the truth even once. At times, I actually forget that the things my friends say are empty teases. They come from the people who have no idea what's really going on.
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
if you can't tell me about it
Oh my congee and shabu shabu says:
it's okay, man
I'm sure that Keng is bothered by the fact that I've never told him about this, especially since we're pretty close friends. I have to admit, it must feel strange having to learn about your own friend's life from someone else. Meanwhile, you don't even get the hear the truth from your own friend's mouth.
I place my fingers on the keys, intending to type a response. And I would have done so if it weren't for the the knocking sound on the door.
Knock, knock, knock.
Phun?! I flinch and immediately turn around to look at the door as though I'm being electrocuted. It only takes one jump for me to reach the door knob and I quickly turn it. "How'd it go?! Eh...? Nong Pang?"
The person standing at the door isn't the owner of this room, but rather his younger sister. I'm taken aback by what I'm seeing. Tears are running down both her cheek. I stare at her, at a loss on what to do. "Nong Pang, what's wrong?"
"Sniffs...sniffs...sniffs..." However, she isn't answering me. She wipes away her tears with her small wrists as if her life depends on it. Seeing that, I bring her inside the room.
"Pang, don't wipe so hard like that. You're going to leave a mark." I search around the room for a box of tissue and I spot it by the TV. I snatch it and hand it over to the girl in front of me right away. "There, there. Don't cry."
Nong Pang pulls a tissue from a box and wipes her tears before she sits down. Her shoulders are still quivering. "Sniffs...sniffs...sniffs...p'Phun...p'Phun..."
"What about him?" It's all a blur now. My brain can barely piece all the information together.
Pang sniffles and she tries her best to spit out the words. "P'Phun...is fighting with Dad..."
"Okay, p'Phun is fighting with Dad. Why are you crying?"
"Because I...I was the one who told p'Phun that...hiccups...that I...hiccups...I'd speak to Dad for him...hiccups...but I...hiccups...I can't even...hiccups...help him..." At this point, I'm starting to understand what's she's talking about now. My mind is blank. I don't have a clue how I should be feeling in this moment.
!!!!!!!
Who the holy hell is trying to get my attention right now?! Talk about bad timing! I look at the computer. There's a blinking MSN window as someone had sent me a message. I walk over to check it wearily.
OHM..............ohm........ says:
Can u send me that clip of nong pupae from last night?
OHM..............ohm........ says:
Aun deleted my copy by accident
OHM..............ohm........ says:
Goddamn him
Ask someone else. I silently tell him before I quickly sign out and shut the computer off.
Nong Pang is starting to calm down a bit now. She isn't in hysterics like earlier. Her sniffles aren't stopping just yet though. I walk over to sit next to her and softly pat the back of her small hand to calm her down. "It'll be alright, Pang. There's always a way out."
"But what if Dad finds out about you two?!" She shrieks in her small voice filled with anxiety. I let a long sigh of relief. That must mean Phun's parents still don't know about us yet.
"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, okay?" I answer with a smile, hoping that she'll finally calm down. "Your p'Phun is awesome, so we need to have faith in him, alright?"
"But I'm scared... I like you, p'Noh...I don't want him to date anybody else..."
"Well, if p'Phun likes me then he won't date someone else, right? Do you think p'Phun likes me?" The question is enough to make the girl spring up from her seat. She gives me a loud and clear answer.
"P'Phun loves you more than anything in the entire word!"
"If that's the case, then why should we be scared, yeah?" I give her a big smile despite feeling the complete opposite on the inside. However, there's no use in making Pang worry about this too. "How about we go have that cake together?"
"Let's go!" Heh. Apparently she's as obedient as a dolphin after all. Using food as a bait helps with getting her mind off of this.
I chuckle at how innocent she is. Then, I get up and take her hand. Our destination is the box of cake that we asked Auntie Noi to put in the fridge earlier. However, Phun is making his way up the steps when we open the door.
"P'Phun!" Pang shouts her brother's name loudly as she runs over to hug him tightly. I take a look at him and he seems to be exhausted. Nevertheless, he returns his little sister's hug. "Are you taking p'Noh to cause trouble somewhere?"
"No...we're heading downstairs to have some cake. Are you okay, p'Phun?"
His sharp eyes are cloudy but his lips can still curl into a smile. "Of course I am. But do you mind having the cake by yourself? I need to talk to p'Noh about something." I dislike whenever Phun forces himself to smile like this.
Nong Pang turns to look at me for a moment then she nods slowly. "Sure...I'll get going then. Goodnight."
"Good night to you too."
Phun waves goodbye to his little sister before he treads over to where I am once she heads down the stairs.
The tall figure pushes me inside the room then he locks the door. "You okay...?" I ask him once I realize how he's really doing now that I get to see him up close. Phun purses his lips, then he throws his entire body my way to hug me.
"Noh..."
"What...what is it?" I'm slightly stunned but I still hug him back. That's when I notice his shoulders are shaking terribly.
In his deep and weaken tone of voice, he begins to speak. "Stay with me tonight...? I really need you."
There is no way I can leave him in this state and still be unaffected.
I'll never be happy unless I am beside Phun.
Half an hour passes by and Phun falls asleep out of exhaustion. You guys need to get your mind of the gutter right now. He was spent after all the things that happened today, not to mention how his mind was running wild and he was driving himself crazy. I had to slowly calm him down so that he'd fall asleep. (No, I did not punch him and knock him out.) He was stressing out so much that he was getting a headache. I figured that getting some rest would be the best solution.
Even so, Phun still looks awfully stressed out in his sleep. I furrow my brows and decide to massage his temple for him.
Phun and his father had a big fight earlier this evening. I learned what took place after everything had gone down from Phun. That was when we realized that we both have forgotten how our relationship began.
That's right, I'm talking Phun's supposed arranged marriage. To be fair, it probably isn't the correct term to use since his parents do not have any girl that they want to pair off with their 17 year-old son just yet. Recently, however, his father's political party mate's son got himself into a scandal with a girl and they ended up in a gossip column of a very prominent newspaper. It was the talk of the town. The son ended up being sent to study abroad since he couldn't handle living in this country anymore. Naturally, Phun's father couldn't help but think of his own son after such a thing had happened so close to home.
No parents would be willing to subject their children to public humiliation. Definitely not the Phumipats, a family which has always shown how much they love and care for one another. Therefore, it's hardly strange for his father to be curious as to who his son might be seeing romantically and whether that person might bring harm to Phun. Phun is between a rock and a hard place. It's not that easy for him to just tell the truth, but at the same time he cannot turn back now that nong Pang had let it slip that "P'Phun is dating someone already."
The more he tries to cover things up, the more suspicious things seem to be. I know that too well. Because as long as Phun continues to be stubborn and refuses to tell his father, it'll only worsen the strains in their relationship by magnitudes. The two had a horrible fight, with each side going against one another. While Phun's father wanted to know who his son was dating, Phun insisted that love was a personal matter.
The situation worsened when the feud turned into the desire to win. Phun's father put his foot down. Unless Phun tells his father who he is dating, then his father will assume that there is no one and he will tell his secretary to find a nice girl for Phun to date. Phun finally did something he has never done before in his entire life. He screamed at his father out of frustrations.
"If that's what you plan to do, then you might as well stop thinking of me as your own son right here and now!"
Phun later regretted those words. The Phun I know has ever been backed into a corner and chose to do such a thing. I know very well that he was quite disappointed in himself.
I wasn't there. I have no right to criticize whether Phun went too far or not. The only thing I can do is try to be there for him. While he got the last word, he returned in defeat. I know what Phun was feeling when he left that hallway. It wasn't about going through the dilemma of who he's dating. It wasn't anger of having been interrogated by his father. It was shame. The shame of saying something cruel to the person he loves.
"This entire time, I've never once hurt him. I've been obedient. I've never acted out. I've never done anything to make him worry. I know that he does everything in his life for Pang and me. That's why I've always tried my best to put him at ease. I wanted to him to trust me. Have faith in me. But today...I fucked up and chose to hurt him. There were disappointments in his eyes when he looked at me, and I was responsible for that. I'm disappointed in myself too. Noh...I don't like the person I turned into at all. I wish I could go back and throw whoever the fuck that was away. But I can't. I can't fix this."
There are two things you cannot take back, words and time. Those two things are what Phun desperately wishes he could take back. But no matter how capable one might be, it simply isn't possible for them to achieve such a feat. This is especially true regarding a lousy person like me.
I console Phun until he finally falls asleep. Trails of tears are still visible on his cheeks. They're constant reminders that he suffering as badly as I am.
The moonlight shines through the large windows. The room is completely silent. It feels empty and depressing, unlike other days. I gently take Phun's hand and stare at the moon. My throat is parched.
"They say eating something sweet can lighten up your mood."
I think back to what Yuri once told me and I can't help but crack a small smile. Despite barely ever running into each other this entire time, Yuri is still able to help me.
I decide to let go of Phun's hand. After closing the door behind me, I head downstairs to where it is dead quiet
Now that I think about this, did I make a wrong decision coming down here? It's silent. It's so quiet that I can hear the clock ticking. I glance at the grandfather's clock by the stairs. It tells me that it's nearly 1 am now. Suddenly, I'm getting goosebumps. Sure there are house spirits that protect the people who live here but I don't actually live here though. Y___Y Will the spirits still protect me anyway? Y___Y
My mind is running wild. I begin to chant prayers as I drag my feet toward the kitchen. Damn it, why didn't I just put the damn cakes in Phun's fridge upstairs from the start?! This is what I get for trying to be cute with Auntie Noi. T____T
I open the freezer and pull three boxes of chocolate. My plan is to flee from this place as fast as I can, but then my eyes catch a shadowy figure inside the living room just as I am about to run back up the stairs.
Uhhhhhhhhh? What is that shadow?!
My feet automatically stop moving. My mind is debating between curiosity and fear. However, it seems curiosity is in the lead since I'm walking closer despite how my other half of the brain is calling me a dumbass and that I should just stop paying attention to what lies in that room.
But it's too late. T______T I'm right in front of the living room now. My eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and I see...
"...you're still awake, Mom?" It's Phun's mother. Gee, what is she doing sitting there in the dark by herself like this?
It seems she is just as surprised to see me judging by how hard she flinches. (So she was scared too, haha.) She lets out a huge sigh of relief when she realizes that it's just me.
"What about you, nong Noh? What are you doing down here? Ah...getting a late night snack, I see." She smiles when she gets the answer after noticing what I have in my hands. She pats the seat next to her and invites me to sit down. "Why don't you come have a seat, Noh?"
"Yes..." I smile back, then I walk over to join her.
We sit in silence for a while before the woman next to me begins to say something. There's a deep concern in her tone of voice. "Has nong Phun...gone to bed yet, dear?"
I can feel how dry my lips are when I answer her. "Yes, he's asleep."
"He's a very sensitive kid."
"...he is."
"Has he told you anything, Noh?" There are only kindness in her eyes as she looks at me. That's where Phun gets his from. I can never tell a lie when those pair of eyes stare at me.
"...he has." My voice is low, almost whispering.
Her lips curl into a smile before she turns her head away toward darkness. It seems she's looking far beyond that though. "I've never seen them fight before. It was quite startling."
".........."
"Phun is a good kid. He always does what he is told. Always willing to do whatever is asked of him, that one. He's nice to everybody. His father and I love him very much. Every night I thank the powers that be—whoever they are—for sending Phun to be my son."
"I honestly don't want him to be angry with his father. His father loves him very much. Phun is a good kid. He's well-behaved. He has never caused any troubles. That is why his father and I only want the best things for him. I never want him to make a mistake and face something awful. I know that Phun has a bright future ahead of him. He'll be able to stand proud in society. And before he gets to that point, his father and I want to look after him as best we can."
My mind is blank as I listen to her words. It sounds as though she wants finally speak her mind. I feel that my love for Phun is minuscule compared to the love this woman has for him. There's an inexplicable feeling inside me. I can't name it. I don't know what it is exactly.
"Nong Noh...you can't tell me who he's dating, can you?" I flinch hard when I hear those words. I can see it in her eyes. She's pleading with me and I'm half way to giving into her request. However, I'm not in the position to speak for him.
"If...Phun doesn't want to discuss it then I don't think I should either..."
Another sigh comes out of her. "Still...I'm glad that he has you as a friend."
The beautiful woman gives me a fond smile that she often gives to me. "I believe that you'll be able help him get through this. I'll have to leave him in your hands this time around." She moves her warm hand to grab a hold of mine. I can sense that she trusts me without any doubts in her mind.
"Look after him so that he'll only experience a good love that he deserves for being a good person."
"...yes, Mom." I reply softly and give her my word. Deep down, I know that I'm probably too young to comprehend all of this.
What constitutes a good love exactly, Mom?
What if there's someone out there that genuinely loves your son with all his heart, but his love isn't thought to be the norm?
What if his love for your son is something that is not acceptable by social standards?
Is it still considered a good love?
