CHAPTER 19: WE HAVE TO

Phun and I were pretty much out of it by the time we ate all the food and finished that one tower of beer. How much were we out of it? Well, the last hour before we left the restaurant, I got on the stage and showed off my skills as the president of the music club by hosting a mini concert with the band. We played 12 songs (yes, a dozen). I played the guitar, sang, played the keyboard, the drums, and even the bass. I played them all. Not to brag, but I can play all kinds of traditional Thai instruments, band instruments, and orchestra instruments. How else can I have the title of President of the Music Club? Hahaha. (But I wouldn't have done all these things if I weren't so wasted. Looking back, it was so embarrassing.)

We caused a huge buzz when we entered the restaurant, but we caused an even bigger one when we were leaving. Hahaha. We left the restaurant with the sounds of college girls screaming at us who were barely able to keep themselves seated. The songs that we played changed the concept of this regular restaurant into a small pub in the blink of an eye. Well, every table had drinks on them. You can't expect us to play some easy-listening music or people would've fallen asleep.

It was almost midnight by the time we asked for our check and learned that the owner had taken more than half off our bill. Heh, I wonder who's responsible for this. Between me in my blue shorts giving everyone a mini concert for the ladies of Bang Saen or Phun, who is so visually striking that all the aunties and college girls had to call up their friends so they could come see for themselves at the restaurant.

At any rate, we drive away from the restaurant with wide smiles on our faces. Phun takes his time and drives his 2-door Honda along the beach with the moonroof opened so I am able to fully appreciate the gorgeous moon for myself.

I'm feeling so much happiness that I wish this night doesn't have to end. Even Spot the Difference game has a pause option. Why can't real life have that too?

I sneak a peek at Phun whose face is full of smiles as well.

We drove back and forth near the beach area for a while as we finished off about three or four cans of beer that we bought from 7-Eleven before we finally checked in at a hotel. Despite the fact that it's pretty pricey by Bang Saen's standards, Phun's Visa Gold Card doesn't have a problem with it.

"I'll pay ya back when I get the money." I tell him as I pat his shoulder a couple of times as we make our way to the room. I can hear his laughter before he smacks me in the head.

You do realize that if I piss on the bed then you're gonna get wet too, you bastard?

"Don't worry about it, I'll just take it out of your club's budget."

What?! That's not cool! I scowl at Phun who is whistling away and pretending like he isn't paying attention as he unlocks a door with the number 17 on it. If I could swing my backpack and hit him in the head, then I would've done it. But the backpack is too heavy and I didn't wanna injure my arms.

"Waaaah~ This feels so nice!~" The moment the door opens, I throw the backpack down and rush over to open the glass balcony door and let the sea breeze runs through me. Meanwhile, Phun is too busy making sure the door is locked properly. I don't know whether he's afraid that someone might break in or that he's afraid I might try to escape.

I stand on the balcony and take in deep breaths of the sea breeze for a short while before I feel a pair of warm arms coming from behind me and holding me loosely around my waist. I can feel someone's face resting on my shoulder. I glance at Phun before I shrug so that his face bounces up and down just for fun. "Hey! We just got here and you wanna do it already? No way, no way. You horndog." I really didn't mean anything by it, I just wanted to mess with him. Heh heh.

"You're the horndog, I didn't even do anything yet." Of course, there's a retort coming from him. But his voice is muffled since his face is still buried in my shoulder. I laugh at his reply as I lower my hands that were on the balcony railing to where Phun's hands are so I can hold them. "So what's the matter?" We were fine so there has to be a reason for him to be doing this.

"Can we stay like this for a while...?" Phun's voice sounds so fragile, it makes me realize that it's time to stop getting smart with him. I lean my head to rest over his and stand still, allowing him to hold me as long as he needs.

"But if I start getting a cramp on my legs then you're gonna have to deal with me."

'I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky.'

Plenty of time has passed since we have been standing in this spot holding one another before Phun's black phone begins making noises, ending the silence. I turn to see the Nokia phone vibrating on the table in the middle of other items that he had left on there.

"I forgot to turn that off...?" He complains to himself in a low voice right next to my ear before he lets go of my waist. This reminds me of the conversation I had with Yuri earlier this evening right away.
My eyes follow the back of the person wearing an army green shirt as he walks over to where the phone is. But it doesn't seem like Phun has any intention of pressing the answer button.

"Hey! That's the button to turn it off! Dumbass!" I yell at him when I notice that he's still fussing with the button that'll turn the phone off instead of the answer button. I rush over and knock him in the head to snap him out of the blur. He immediately hits me on my forehead in return. "Cause I'm turning it off, jeez."

But don't think that I'd let this go easily. In the end, we fight over that cellphone, pulling it back and forth between us (which is still ringing). I happen to catch a glimpse of the screen. It's showing a photo of Aim. There's a weird pain all of a sudden. "Aim's calling, why are you turning it off?"

The owner of the phone quickly averts my gaze.

'Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't you walk out the door?'

The phone blasts out those last few lines before it finally stops. Phun takes this opportunity to quickly turn off the phone.

'Who can be nice at every hour? I'm a person, not a character in a drama on TV.'

I glance at my ringing iPhone that is next to my backpack, which I find funny.

"The hubby ran away from the wife, look at everyone trying to get in touch with him. Heh heh." As I walk over to answer the call from Yuri, Phun-who is as quick as a monkey-grabs it right out of my hand and turns it off. He ignores my objections and leaves me standing here with my mouth hanging open.

"Hey, you better watch it! That's my phone." There's a hint of anger in my voice. Who on earth taught him to have such terrible manners?

But it seems my protest doesn't affect Phun in any way whatsoever. His face is completely expressionless as he carelessly throws my phone on the bed. I was about to open my mouth to yell at him when he grabs me and holds me very tightly.

I would've resisted if his shoulders weren't shaking so much that it's alarming me.

"What's wrong, Phun?

There's a raspy voice coming from the trembling person holding me. "Can it be just us tonight...? Let's not mention anybody else..."

"......."

I am still. I stare at the head of the person who is holding me tightly with so many mixed emotions. Even though I feel weightless in my chest, there are a ton of thoughts running wild inside my head. I'm trying to look forward, but I feel that I cannot see anything else other than a dead end.

Truth be told, I'm the other person in this situation. Phun and I can't even use the word 'we.' There's nothing going on between him and me. There shouldn't be anything going on between him and me. And there will never be anything going on between him and me. It doesn't matter how Phun feels about me or how I feel about him. No matter how much those feelings exist, all I can see in front of me are Phun and Aim, who are supposed to be happier than they are right now.

I hug him tightly, but it's hurting me so bad that it feels like I'm hugging a prickly durian. The harder I squeeze him, the more pain I feel. It's hurting so badly that I'm not sure how long I can keep hugging him like this.

"You shouldn't be having problems with Aim because of me...seriously." This is what I want to tell him the most in this moment.

Phun shakes his head which is still buried in my chest. "I'm not having problems with Aim because of you. But I do because it's my own fault." His voice is trembling and is filled with confusion. It's as if it's coming from someone who no longer knows what to do. The arms which are wrapped around me are shaking. They're showing me their owner's current state of mind.

And I know that I shouldn't make things worse for him.

"What...kind of problems are you...having?" I ask since I want to know the answer. But he goes silent for a moment before he starts speaking.

"I'm a fucking asshole. I already have Aim but I still went after you."

"Real assholes wouldn't bother calling themselves an asshole. Come on, let's go sit and talk?" I let out a sigh as I let go of him and lead him to take a seat on the bed.

Phun presses his lips together very tightly and stares at the bed sheet. He refuses to lift his head to look at me. "Hey...I'm...sorry."

"Why are you sorry? Tell me everything."

"Aim and I....we've had sex..." At last, those words make their way out of him. Despite the fact that I already know about this, hearing those words coming out of Phun cuts me deeper by tenfold than when I heard them from Yuri. They hit me like a brick and I feel numb from the immense pain. I glance away just for only a short moment before I look back at his face. "Okay...what else?"

Phun takes another deep breath, but this time he lifts his head and locks his eyes with mine. "But I still can't help myself...when I'm around you." All I see are anguish his eyes. I can't help but wonder if Phun can see the same thing from my own eyes.

Those lips continue to move even though I begin to feel like I no longer want to hear what he has to tell me. "I can't just leave Aim. But with you, I feel-...I don't know what to do." At this point, Phun looks down and tighten his grips on the bed sheet. I reach over and gently place my own hand over his fist.

Because I know that I need to be the one to do this.

"Listen to me..." This is the toughest challenge that I have ever faced in my entire life.

"Aim is a woman. You can't just leave her after you've had that kind of a relationship with her. You need to go back and look after her. I'm a guy. I don't have anything to lose." I thought that what I was saying is completely normal and logical, but Phun pops his head up so fast as if he was listening to a ghost story.

"Noh...stop talking..." There's a hint of intimidation in his voice, but I realize that I cannot give in to him. I continue facing this tiring challenge by giving him a smile.

"Go find some glue and you can glue my lips shut then. Let's just agree to let things die down between us. I'm not too concerned about it." I tell him with a smile as I look at his face. Phun's mouth is opened as if he wants to argue, but he's too slow for me. "I'll tell you this again. I'm not some chick, you bastard." He immediately grabs a hold of my wrists.

"Noh, don't you understand that this has nothing to do with that? It has nothing to do with who is what. It has to do with what I've done. Noh, don't you get it?!" His eyes are staring so deep into mine that I'm too afraid to look away. I look into those dull black eyes that suddenly feel so unfamiliar. Phun's lips continue to move. "After all the things that have happened between us...please don't tell me that you're just going to leave..."

I quickly free myself from his restraints and desperately force out a laughter. "Hahaha...you jerk. Don't act like such a gentleman. Are you converting to Islam so you can have multiple wives or something?" I feel as if I have no energy left in my entire body but I still need to keep talking.

"And don't forget that I already have a girlfriend too. I'm so damn swamped with the soccer thing right now. Even Earn wants the band to help with a bunch of stuff. Therefore, I don't have any free time to accept the job of being another person you're seeing. It's so exhausting and I don't even get paid overtime."

Wasn't that funny? But he isn't laughing though.

I force out a chuckle for him to hear even though I'm about to burst into tears.

I can read what he wants to tell me from his eyes.

And I know that Phun can read what I'm trying to tell him from my eyes too.

I suppose there's nothing else left to be discussed out loud.

Phun and I both stay still and stare at each other's face. I've reached the end of my limits. I can't endure it any longer.

"Phun!" I yell out his name as I throw myself over to hug him tightly. He hesitantly puts his arms around me. In this moment, I don't have an ounce of strength left.

I can only hear the voice of a selfish person echoing inside my heart saying that I don't want to let Phun go.

"Noh...?"

"Hey..."

"What is it?"

"Please don't let go of me...at least until tomorrow morning?"

It barely takes any time to fall in love, so why is it such a complete torture when it's time we need to say goodbye?

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* In Thailand, there's a belief that if your head gets smacked by someone before sleep, you'd wet yourself during sleep.