CHAPTER 13: I CAN'T SEE YOUR EYES
I showed up to school on Monday looking worse for wear.
I've tried not to think about what happened on Saturday, but my brain betrayed me. Because no matter what I decided to do, be it sitting, standing, sleeping, watching a soccer match, playing a videogame, or even taking a small step inside my bedroom...
...all I could see in my head was Phun's face moving closer to mine. Those captivating eyes of his. They are the very same loving eyes full of warmth that he has shown to everyone around him which I've grown accustomed to. But now, I simply could not avert my gaze from them.
It felt as if Phun had so much he wanted to say when I looked into his eyes.
I couldn't let go of these feelings. I'm too confused to just let go and move on with my life.
After I shoved Phun away and ran off to get his medicine, I couldn't deny that my entire body was shaking. What I was experiencing was a new kind of feeling that has never happened to me before. I've never felt this way with anybody in my life. Not even with Ohm, who is my best friend. Even when our skins happened to make contact, it never felt like this. Not even with Yuri, who usually hangs on to me so very often. Even she had never made me felt what I was feeling.
It was a strange feeling, because I was basically swooning yet terrified at the same time.
I was full of curiosity and I was desperate to find out what might happen next. But something inside me shouted that it wouldn't be possible.
Truth be told, I have never allowed anyone to get close to me at all in the first place...
After what happened, the only thing that existed between Phun and I was silence. It was as if we were so deep inside our own thoughts. Phun looked like he had a lot of things to think about. Meanwhile, I was so confused I couldn't even make small talks with him.
A full day went by and we barely said a handful of words to one another. By nightfall, Phun has fully recovered so I rode my bike and dropped him off at his house.
We still haven't spoken or saw each other since. It's strange how weightless I feel in my chest when he's not around. To think, it has been only four days since this entire thing started between him and me.
It has been such an unbelievably long four days. It's astonishing how we were able to create all those experiences in such a short amount time. We've gone from being barely acquaintances to really close friends. It's true that us guys make friends very easily and we tend to go with the flow, but there has never been anyone who can make me trust them so much and so fast like Phun.
So much that I...
"Yo! Why the hell are you daydreaming already?!" Ohm's extremely loud and incredibly close voice interrupted my thoughts. This bastard is so annoying, damn it.
I try not to pay attention to him and put my head down on the table so I can pretend to take nap. However, he is onto me and grabs my neck so I'd pull my head back up. "Don't fall asleep yet! Where have you been on Friday, Saturday and Sunday? All those three days?"
He shoots a bunch of difficult questions my way. What am I supposed to tell him?!
"W-why?"
"Your girlfriend was going crazy trying to get in touch with you. You fucking turned your phone off for three days." I'm starting to lose focus on what Ohm is saying because I'm too busy trying to come up with an explanation that would not get Phun or I in trouble. On Friday and Saturday, I turned off my phone because I didn't want anyone to disturb Phun (since it could've made his condition worse and I really didn't wanna keep making food for him). But I turned my phone off on Sunday because...
I honestly don't know what say.
It seems Ohm realizes that he would never get an answer out of me no matter how much he keeps pestering because he lets out a long sigh. "For real, is there something going on between you and Phun?"
"What?!" Fuck! I don't know about anyone else if they were in my situation, but for me I just had to let out a loud noise. I'm being so loud that my classmates turn around and stare at me. Ohm grabs me and puts his stupidly salty hand over my mouth. "Bastard! What the fuck were you yelling for?!"
I wrestle my way out from him a couple of times before he lets go and we get back to our conversation. "I mean, did something happen with him and you? Phun's girlfriend couldn't reach him in the past three days either."
"......."
Ohm and I have been friends for years. It's only natural for him to understand what my silence really means.
"It's cool, you don't have to tell me if you don't wanna. Just think things through if you're gonna do something. Here are your notes from Friday. Keng and I wrote them down for you." He calmly says as he passes a thin notebook to me. I realize that Ohm isn't telling me this because he knows all the details, but at any rate, I don't have the courage to look him in the eyes.
"Thanks, man." I tell him after I accept the notebook. Ohm pats my shoulder a couple of times as if he wants to give me some moral supports.
This friend of yours is fine. He's okay.
Today is still another one of my nonsense days. I actually don't lead my life in a meaningful way in the first place. I'm already in the 11th grade, I wonder if I'll pass my university entrance exam like this.
Even so, I still don't take things very seriously. If I were, then I wouldn't be ditching my afternoon classes to lay around at the back of our school building with Ohm like this. But anyway, why is it that this dude is always stuck to my ass as if he's a dung beetle trying to feed himself?
I glance over to see the dung beetle using an iPod case to cover his eyes while he listens to music. I don't really mean it when I complain about him. I know that I'd be really sad if he's no longer around. Speaking of which, it's really nice and cool on this patch of grass. I guess this is a perfect spot since it's under the building's shade so I can roll around to my heart's content. "Yawn~ I feel so lazy. Should we just stay here until school's over?"
"Yeah, let's do that." This jerk would never bother with trying to lead me down the right path.
"Okay then." Not that I try to convince him otherwise anyway, ha.
We both lay there in silence behind the administrative building. In reality, if one of the teachers opens a window, then he would definitely catch us. (And Pa would scold me until my ears go numb.) But there's nothing I can do about that. If we go back to class, we'd get yelled at either way.
I look way up into the blue sky filled with clouds that are drifting in front and back of one another. They remind me of a theater performance. Depending on my imagination, I'd see the clouds lump to together, then separate, and sometimes they would make a clear path. I still haven't seen a single bird fly by though. I guess it's too hot today that even birds don't want to move about. Everything is motionless, in a complete unison. There isn't even any breeze blowing leaves from the trees.
I don't feel like moving anywhere myself when I started thinking about what has been going on since this morning.
What the hell is up with Phun? It's been bothering me ever since he went radio silence since Saturday. But I figured that things would go back to normal when we get to school on Monday. I was dead wrong.
It was obvious to me how things have changed today. To be honest, I can't actually recall how we acted towards one another before we got to spend time together. (I vaguely remember us smiling at one another, saying hello to be polite or ask for small favors.) Those stuff in the parentheses occurred before four days ago. So why...does it seem like things have gotten worse between us even though it felt like we have gotten so much closer in the past four days?
I got to school in a completely daze this morning. (As a bonus, I got here late.) I usually run into Phun since that guy works for the student council. He normally hangs out there and does his things around the administrative building, which is near the school's entrance so I'd always see him in the morning.
Often times, I would give him a wave to encourage him. I was hesitant whether I should do that this morning, but I really wanted things to be normal.
But that jerk totally gave me the cold shoulder. He didn't smile and wave back like he usually does. What the heck was that all about?
I have admit that I got pretty annoyed, but I tried not to get so easily upset like girls would. I told myself that he probably didn't see me. But deep inside, I knew for a fact that our eyes met before he quickly turned away. However, I reminded myself that there was no reason for Phun to have acted in such a way.
That lasted until 3rd period and we needed to move from our homeroom to the language lab. Phun and I typically don't run into each other between classes very often. And it's not strange for us to completely walk past one another without any acknowledgement from either sides. (He and I weren't close back then.) It's just that today...things felt weird.
Phun is known for his friendliness. (It's totally not strange if you and him happen to be acquaintances. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up becoming a politician after he graduates.) And like always, I saw him smiling widely and laughing with his friends from afar. He even waved to a bunch of my classmates. He also joked around with Rodkeng by smacking each other's head.
But then he saw me. Picture this. You see a happy-go-lucky guy smiling as he makes his way towards you. But then he sees you...
What am I to him exactly? Why did his face go entirely expressionless? Before this, I wouldn't even give a damn and I'd probably call him out for being stuck up. But not today.
I had no idea what made me turn around and grabbed his arm. I even surprised myself, and so was Phun. He seemed pretty startled while I was trying to bury all the resentments I had and I finally said something out loud.
"Hi!"
However, what I got in return was the owner of that arm trying to break free from my grasp. His eyes, which are usually filled with tenderness, were instead slowly moving downward to the floor.
"Hi..."
That was the only word I've heard from Phun today...
I did see him here and there during our lunch break. But I realized by then that he didn't really want to see me so it was time for me to start avoiding him.
I didn't want a chance for him to run into me. Because if he chose to intentionally avoid me again...
...I probably wouldn't have been able to keep holding on to this fake smile.
A long sigh comes out of me as I keep revisiting the things that has happened. Fortunately, there are some cool breezes passing through now. They help with my stress somewhat.
What the hell is matter with Phun? Why is he acting like this all of a sudden?
If he's embarrassed, then shouldn't I be the one who is more embarrassed? And what if I keep making the first move and he keeps running away like this?
I really don't want to think about this anymore.
I close my eyes and allow the wind to move past my face. At the very least, it feels like nature is being kind enough to console me. I love the feeling of this cool breeze blowing on the tip of my nose. It reminds me of that feeling from the other day.
That gentle feeling of Phun's breath on my nose which is still stuck with me...
I catch myself breaking into a smile uncontrollably when I think about these past four days. So even though those wonderful moments had passed and won't return, I can still get so much joy by just thinking about them.
The slow and steady breeze continues all around me. I'm feeling a bit colder now, but I'm too comfortable in this spot that I don't want to move.
Splash!
Holy shit! Do I look like a toilet?! Don't just dump water on me!
I flinch so hard and snap to reality thanks to the freezing water. Ohm has already escaped to a different planet. (Probably because he was afraid of getting his iPod wet.) What a lovely friend. So who has the audacity to ruin this relaxing moment of mine?! Better not let me find out! If it isn't one of the teachers, then you are so dead!
I complain in my head as I drag my drenched body up to see the culprit. I turn around with a menacing look in my eyes to see the person responsible still holding the bucket in this hands. This is how I learned that the culprit isn't a teacher but...
"Noh..."
"Phun...?"
